Friday, September 28, 2012

Explanation: Must You Break Me Before You Fix Me?

First of all, it is important when reading poetry to realize that the title is as important as the piece itself.  When someone titles their poem, they are giving you the context within which to understand everything that follows.
Secondly, I am explaining these poems in the order I wrote them.  I posted them in the opposite order because I thought they were easier to swallow that way.  Interesting that the emotions became easier to handle as I wrote.  I guess that's why writing is therapeutic for me.

What is being said in the title of this piece?  Despite feelings of brokenness and a lack of answers, God's ultimate goal is always to make us whole in Christ.  He is in the work of fixing us, even if that first requires some breaking.  He must break what is in order to create what will be.

What is written in bold italics in the lines of the poem itself.  Normal font indicates explanation.
Is it possible to be broken beyond repair? 
The pit of my stomach's become a lump in my throat.
I can't swallow as the chills fill my body.
Is this forever?  Am I forever?
I'd rather not be forever
Because it seems like the chasm in my heart
     is growing, not shrinking. 
The poem starts with the haunting question, "Is it possible to be broken beyond repair?".  I was feeling this in the pit of my stomach which resulted in a lump in my throat and chills in my body (literally), and ultimately the statement that I would rather not be forever if eternity will be spent feeling more and more broken and torn rather than less.  Obviously the answer to this is Jesus, but despite knowing that in my head, my heart wasn't feeling it.  I wasn't feeling any wholeness or peace, which led to the next set of lines.

I thought I had the anecdote, but I jumped that boat
Only to jump back in with more questions than answers,
More holes than patches.
Will I sink for eternity, knowing less the more I learn,
Making more but with less to earn?
"The anecdote" meaning the fix to this problem of brokenness.  I thought I knew how to become a whole person, but sitting in this period of darkness and questioning it doesn't seem possible that its true.  So I've "jumped that boat only to jump back in with more questions than answers".  I don't know about you, but there are times in my life, and this was one of them, when I have more questions for God than I feel I have answers.  Like there's more holes in my heart, soul, and mind than there are "patches".  Again, obviously the answer is to do away with the patches and embrace new creation instead.  I don't need to be patched, I need to be made whole.  Which points back to the title "Must you break me before you fix me".  In the end that's the answer (we need God to save us) but this poem isn't about answers, its about brokenness and pain.

Is it me that's broken, or the world around me?
Is it me that's sinking, or the world around me?
Or both

God we need a savior!

This line is meant to be read with an attitude and not as a prayer, much as someone would say "God I need a cigarette".  But that's the irony of the whole poem, we turn to so many things to ease our brokenness, when ultimately we need a savior, and that Savior has been provided.  I must mention, for honesty's sake, that I added the last line when I posted this; it wasn't in my original poem.  Sometimes our emotions are too raw even for poetry....

Thursday, September 27, 2012

My Life

I've been meaning to write a qualifier for my last three posts but haven't found the time.  My dad always said "We don't find time, we make time."  So I've decided to make this time to write.
Although the statement isn't necessarily true; God has made time and given it to us to use wisely.  So I guess I'll tell my children "We don't have time, we use time" which doesn't at all communicate the point, so I'll probably revert to what my dad always said.
Anyways, I digress.  Someone sent me some reflections on their life today in response to the question "How has God been working in your life?"  I hope they won't mind me sharing this, but I won't use any names so it could be anyone.
They shared that God has been seemingly silent, and then connected this with Fall and the seasonal depression they struggle with every year.  It reminded me of my own seasonal depression, which I don't think I've posted about before.  Typically I don't think about it or notice it until late November or the beginning of December, when it gets really heavy, but after reading their thoughts it reminded me of my own reflections in the past few weeks.

Another friend posted on facebook two weeks ago "What to do when heart and mind are too full for words..." to which I replied, quoting a Bright Eyes song, "When you can't compose yourself it's best to compose a poem.  An honest verse of longing or a simple song of hope."
After giving them that advice, I decided to follow it myself, which resulted in the three poems that I posted over the course of the next few days.  I received one worried call from a friend, so I'll assure you all, I really am okay.  God is still good and is still the Lord of my life, and no matter what I've ever gone through in my life (which has been a lot at times) self-harm and suicide have never had a place in my mind.  So don't worry about me, I am okay and will continue to be okay, but we all have things we wrestle with and feel the ups and downs of life.  Consider my poems a resource to turn to when your own heart feels broken beyond repair, or when you feel like no matter which way you turn you aren't turning to God and maybe even forget how to turn to Him, or no matter what you say you aren't truly expressing what's inside and are starting to question whether you even can express what you're thinking, or feeling, or just what you are.

In any case, my thoughts, feelings, and poems are what they are.  They are an expression of myself, a glimpse into my soul, and ultimately they were (and are) my cries to my Father who sees all, knows all, and cares for all.

Having said all that, because of questions, I will break all rules of art and poetry and do something that I hate to even think about doing.  Rather than leaving my poetry to be what it is, and leaving you to understand it as you will, I will be writing over the course of the next few...posts the thoughts behind what I said.  I'll take my poems line by line and explain what I meant for those who struggle to understand poetry.

For those of you who do understand and appreciate poetry for what it is, you may want to ignore the next few posts.  And for those of you who understand poetry much better than me, you may want to ignore my last three posts as you may not even consider them poems.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Must You Break Me Before You Fix Me?

Is it possible to be broken beyond repair?
The pit of my stomach's become a lump in my throat.
I can't swallow as the chills fill my body.
Is this forever?  Am I forever?
I'd rather not be forever
Because it seems like the chasm in my heart
     is growing, not shrinking.

I thought I had the anecdote, but I jumped that boat
Only to jump back in with more questions than answers,
More holes than patches.
Will I sink for eternity, knowing less the more I learn,
Making more but with less to earn?

Is it me that's broken, or the world around me?
Is it me that's sinking, or the world around me?
Or both

God we need a savior!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

A Prayer: Clothing Spirit in Words

Father,
Nothing in my heart can speak.
My mouth is dry and when I open it babble pours forth
But why open it if I don't make sense
And can't communicate the nonsense
That is my thoughts?

Sometimes I think emotions,
But emotions can't be thought
So there's no words to express what I'm
thinking, or feeling, or both, or neither.

If it can't be said is it really a thought?
If it can't be thought is it really an emotion?
If there's no emotion, am I really feeling the
nonsense coming from my mouth but not my heart?

I'm emptier now than when I started,
so maybe my hand created an avenue for the unthinkable emotions
But what I really want isn't to be emptied, but to be filled.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A Poem: Idolatry

What I need now is empty, quiet peace;
Distraction from everything.
Shaken from my preoccupation with frenzied commotion, confusing amusement.

I turn to idols to help rescue me from idolatry,
Trading idol for idol til I'm a mess of broken dreams,
With a broken heart that bleeds
Poison I drink to give myself strength
To keep living my death, living my death in agony.

I just wanna get away, wanna leave it all behind.
But when I run I find
It all follows,
Or perhaps I just couldn't leave the hollow
deceptions behind.

Maybe I deceive myself when I run,
Because its not about what you're leaving but where you're going
And as long as I'm obsessed with what I left or want to leave
Am I really leaving or even wanting to leave?