My Life

I've been meaning to write a qualifier for my last three posts but haven't found the time.  My dad always said "We don't find time, we make time."  So I've decided to make this time to write.
Although the statement isn't necessarily true; God has made time and given it to us to use wisely.  So I guess I'll tell my children "We don't have time, we use time" which doesn't at all communicate the point, so I'll probably revert to what my dad always said.
Anyways, I digress.  Someone sent me some reflections on their life today in response to the question "How has God been working in your life?"  I hope they won't mind me sharing this, but I won't use any names so it could be anyone.
They shared that God has been seemingly silent, and then connected this with Fall and the seasonal depression they struggle with every year.  It reminded me of my own seasonal depression, which I don't think I've posted about before.  Typically I don't think about it or notice it until late November or the beginning of December, when it gets really heavy, but after reading their thoughts it reminded me of my own reflections in the past few weeks.

Another friend posted on facebook two weeks ago "What to do when heart and mind are too full for words..." to which I replied, quoting a Bright Eyes song, "When you can't compose yourself it's best to compose a poem.  An honest verse of longing or a simple song of hope."
After giving them that advice, I decided to follow it myself, which resulted in the three poems that I posted over the course of the next few days.  I received one worried call from a friend, so I'll assure you all, I really am okay.  God is still good and is still the Lord of my life, and no matter what I've ever gone through in my life (which has been a lot at times) self-harm and suicide have never had a place in my mind.  So don't worry about me, I am okay and will continue to be okay, but we all have things we wrestle with and feel the ups and downs of life.  Consider my poems a resource to turn to when your own heart feels broken beyond repair, or when you feel like no matter which way you turn you aren't turning to God and maybe even forget how to turn to Him, or no matter what you say you aren't truly expressing what's inside and are starting to question whether you even can express what you're thinking, or feeling, or just what you are.

In any case, my thoughts, feelings, and poems are what they are.  They are an expression of myself, a glimpse into my soul, and ultimately they were (and are) my cries to my Father who sees all, knows all, and cares for all.

Having said all that, because of questions, I will break all rules of art and poetry and do something that I hate to even think about doing.  Rather than leaving my poetry to be what it is, and leaving you to understand it as you will, I will be writing over the course of the next few...posts the thoughts behind what I said.  I'll take my poems line by line and explain what I meant for those who struggle to understand poetry.

For those of you who do understand and appreciate poetry for what it is, you may want to ignore the next few posts.  And for those of you who understand poetry much better than me, you may want to ignore my last three posts as you may not even consider them poems.